We’re delighted, this week, to feature a guest post from our own Tiffany Baker, end of life doula, grief walker, and encouragement specialist. She’s sharing a bit about when to call a death doula, and why working with one can be beneficial, whether your grief is long past or fresh and raw. In addition to writing these wise words, Tiffany offers one-on-support in grief coaching and vigil planning, and leads our online Death Salons. The next salon is April 30th. Please follow this link to register.
A common question I hear is, “When should I call a death doula?” Is it when someone gets a terminal diagnosis? When your doctor says it’s time to call Hospice? Or…?”
It’s a great question. And certainly, a new concept. In America, we’re used to calling the doctor when something doesn’t feel right, or a lawyer when something doesn’t go right. We call the car mechanic when that knocking sound in the engine won’t go away, and the vet when our dog discovers an unfriendly playmate in a porcupine. But even the notion of a death doula is new to most, so what is the end of the sentence “We call the death doula when…”?
In The Spirit of Healing, Lewis Mehl-Madrona unfolds the difference between healing and curing. He says, “In medicine when we talk about curing an illness, we mean that it hasn’t come back in 5 years.”
“When we talk about healing,” he writes, “we mean to create wholeness where fragmentation exists. We mean to bring ruptured or fractured parts together in a way that they can mend and become more than the sum of their parts.”
In Western medicine, our doctors will order tests and prescribe pills. They’ll ask about our activity levels, our alcohol or tobacco consumption, they’ll measure our blood pressure, take biopsies, and listen to our lungs draw air in and out. They’re seeking to cure.
As a death doula, my job is to help folks to heal. I will ask you about your fear of, or readiness for death. I may ask you about satisfaction with your life’s work, the quality of your relationships and if any of them have been calling to you for attention, how well you’ve celebrated your accomplishments…and why you think you have been putting off writing your will. My job is to ask questions less commonly asked, to listen and reflect, and to support you – regardless of where you are in your health – to take the next step on your path of healing. The label can be misleading, because I believe a “death doula” can be a lifelong companion, someone to touch in with every now and again to check in on how it’s all really going. Has every golden piece and every grief been held, honored, and appreciated?
“Sometimes healing can happen and people die…Because they arrive at a sense of peacefulness, they arrive at a sense of feeling that their lives meant something to the people that they loved, to the people that loved them, that they had a purpose and that they fulfilled that purpose.” -Lewis Mehl-Madrona
So maybe “We call the death doula when we’re ready to heal,” is a good end to the sentence.
Why do you think you haven’t called a death doula yet?
You can learn more about Tiffany on our About the Breathing Spaces Team page.